Wednesday, January 22, 2014

What do you expect?

He asked for a picture, so I couldn't resist a mini self photoshoot. >.< I'm loving the lighting in my room. It's perfectly imperfect.

Nikon D5200, kit lens 

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Let me live, baby. Let me live.

Nikon D3000 50mm f/2.8 MF
Photoshop CS5

I've always felt that I look weird in pictures, but earlier this week (when I took these) it occurred to me that everyone else must think they look weird in their pictures as well. So I thought, what the heck, let's just stop feeling weird about it and just post the pictures up. Maybe, to someone else out there, I look normal... just like how, to me, everyone else seems to look just fine in their pictures.

So, I saved this post into a draft and then this weekend I went out with my boyfriend. I love my boyfriend for being the most honest person I know. We somehow got to talking about our own camera shyness and he said, "do you want me to be completely honest?" Of course, I said yes and he told me that he doesn't think I look good in photos and that I look much better in person. Despite the fact that he just confirmed my own belief about my awkward...-ness in photos, that comment stung. I guess no one wants to be told that they don't look good.

I was almost about to not post these photos, but, I'm in a odd place in my life right now. I'm floating in this limbo between how the rest of society expects me to live and how I want me to live. To be completely honest, even I don't know how I want myself to live. This semester, I decided to be a full-time student with a part-time job and an internship at a behavioral facility. For the first month I felt so proud because, hey, I'm being damn productive this semester and I'm getting shit done just like how our college counselors advise us to do. I could tell friends and family that, "Yes, actually I'm interning right now..." because that is what my family, college advisers, and some friends expect from me. I'm going somewhere with my academic career. And where exactly am I going, you ask? I'm headed straight to getting my degree, finding someone to work for, settling into a city, and working for that person or organization for a few years. I might be promoted or move to a few other organizations for the next couple of years. I might even move around to different cities, but of course, not too far from home.

The thought of working to for someone else, to supplement someone else's life while making a living of my own, disgusts me. I don't want to end up with a career that I have to learn to like.

Solution: become my own boss.

The only problem is... I still don't know what to do with my life. I've been trying so hard to get on everyone else's level and putting so much effort into finding a place to fit in. But... as cliche as it sounds, I just want to be me. I just want be known for me and I want to be happy because I get to be me, not what society expects me to be. I guess it shouldn't be taken in just a literal sense.

Okay, I really don't know where I'm going with this. However, I do know that the minute this semester started, I haven't had time to do what I love (like update this blog T_T). So, I'm just going to go with it. I'm just going to focus on being myself and doing what I love and not being embarrassed about it. When I look at those photos of myself, I kind of cringe inside because I can't help but feel awkward about it. I'd feel better if it weren't me.

 ....Fuck it, they're going up anyway.